FIDELITY
From Romans
12, 12
principles of genuine love that strengthen and heal family life’. Propose that these principles serve to define
family values.
¨
Discernment: to let go of what harms relationships and
hold to what is good.
¨
Mutual
honor,
affection and passion
¨
Hope,
patience
and prayer
¨
Generosity,
hospitality,
and humility
¨
Sympathy
and harmony
¨
Non-violence
and forgiveness
A word for
patience,
letting go of what harms a relationship and holding to what is good,
humility,
hope and harmony, non-violence, forgiveness is the word FIDELITY. When our daughter
Anna was married to Ben, their ceremony included these marriage vows:
Anna, will you give yourself to Ben, to be his wife:
To love him, comfort him, honor and protect him;
Forsaking all others,
Be faithful to him so long as you both shall live?
A vow of
fidelity is when
you give your word; make a public promise to forsake all others and to
be
faithful to your partner as long as you both shall live.
Give a pledge of your allegiance, you make a
commitment, you say to your partner that you
will be
devoted and loyal to your sacred relationship.
Make the case that fidelity is a core family value that is
essential to
healthy relationships and the life of the community.
On
the one hand fidelity is rather common.
¨
A
soldier shows
fidelity to their nation, serving the nation with sacrifice and loyalty. If they are not loyal the
are court-martialed.
¨
A
scientist
shows fidelity to their discipline, either they
are faithful
to their method or they and their results are discredited.
¨
A
farmer shows
fidelity to the land, faithfully preparing the land, planting and
watering the
seed, removing weeds and gathering the harvest.
If the farmer does not show fidelity, there will be no harvest.
¨
A
business person
knows fidelity, either they keep your trust or they will loose your
business.
¨
A
student
knows fidelity, to be devoted to study or they won’t make the grade. An athlete knows fidelity, to consistently
train and practice, to keep at it, or they won’t do their best.
On the one
hand fidelity
is rather common. We find fidelity in
the military, in science, agriculture, business, school, and sports. But on the other hand fidelity in
relationships
is rather uncommon as there is a growing tendency to infidelity. Fidelity has become a countercultural
value. You can’t serve two armies, work
for two firms, farm on just any land, can’t play for two teams, and you
have to
choose one school to attend, but maybe we can have two lovers? There is a rule that has no exceptions, that fidelity is essential to a
healthy
relationship and that infidelity will harm the relationship. We must hold on to fidelity and let go of
infidelity for our relationships to be strengthened and heal.
In the book Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie says,
“I’ve learned
this much
about marriage’, he said. ‘You get
tested. You find out who you are, who
the other person is, and how you accommodate or don’t.
Mitch asked,
‘Is there
some kind of rule to know if a marriage is going to work?’ Morrie says,
‘things
are not that simple…still, there are a few rules I know to be true
about love
and marriage: If you don’t respect the
other
person, you gonna have a lot of trouble.
If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of
trouble. If you can’t talk openly about
t=what goes on
between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And
if you don’t have a common set of values
in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike.
And the
biggest one of
these values, Mitch?’
Yes?
‘Your
belief in the importance of your marriage.”
If marriage is
important
to us, then we must be reminded to practice fidelity.
A friend
called, was
passing thru and looking for a place to spend the night and perhaps if
I was
not busy, we could go out supper. Joy
and all the children were gone for the weekend.
I met her at a local restraunt in our town for supper. After supper we drove to our home and I told
her that I had made plans to sleep overnight at a friend’s home. She smiled and said to me, “Paul, I would
never do anything to hurt Joy.”
The evening
was warm. With those words, she then
reached up and
pulled off her sweatshirt. Her action
was innocent, she was to too warm, she had a shirt on under the
sweatshirt, but
inwardly I gasped. There is temptation,
and then there is temptation.
When partners
are faithful
to each other it is not because of the rules but because we know that
if we are
unfaithful we will hurt our partner and injure our relationship. We are faithful because we don’t want to
spoil something good.
Scott
Russell Sanders is an
author and English professor who lives in
‘Fidelity is
not a virtue
to brag abut, but a native impulse, like curiosity.
I see it …in my students,
…a yearning to find a person, an idea, a vocations, a cause to
embrace
with a whole heart. What holds them back
it the fear they’ll find nothing worthy of their dedication, the fear
of being
disappointed, deceived, or hurt. They
look around and see aimless mobility, broken promises, shifting
allegiances…They hear voices urging them to avoid entanglements, keep
their
options open, always look for something
sweeter. Against this clamor for change, I
wish to celebrate
our capacity for steadiness and devotion.
Here is an antidote to drift.
Here, in fidelity, is another source of healing and hope….[pg 81]
Commitments to
relationships are essential to community life.
We live in a culture that is often characterized by adultery,
promiscuity, sexual violence and pornography.
These harmful practices injure the fabric of our lives and
perpetuate a
culture in which our children, women and men are demeaned and abused. Fidelity and integrity in marriage and other
covenanted relationships is responsible and benevolent behavior that
strengthens the fabric of our lives.
Listen to
these words from
the book of Hebrews 13:1-5;
‘Let
mutual love continue. 2Do not
neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have
entertained angels without knowing it. 3Remember those who
are in
prison, as though you were in prison with them; those who are being
tortured,
as though you yourselves were being tortured. 4Let marriage
be held
in honor by all, and let the marriage bed be kept undefiled; for God
will judge
fornicators and adulterers. 5Keep your lives free from the
love of
money, and be content with what you have;
for he has
said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’ 6So we can
say with
confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can anyone do to me?’
As Tertullian
[EARLY
CHURCH LEADER] once said of the early Christians, they share their
bread but
not there bed. Today, if you look at the
television, we share our bed but not our bread.
In terms of our relationships, fidelity is more valuable than
money.
Applications:
[Depending on time I give examples]
When the wind blows against us, we hear
Jesus call out to us in the storm, keep
the faith, keep at it, hold on, don’t give up, I am with you. Fidelity is
the
opposite of keeping open ones options; it is making a choice, a commitment, saying yes
to one and no to
another. Such a commitment is sometimes hard to
make, but this is no unusual.
One of the
very best
families I know, a model of love and respect, three of their children’s
first
marriages have ended in divorce. This
has been very painful and happens to the best of families.
Some of our
best friends,
when we were living in community, had affairs.
These affairs were very hard on the community and the families
involved. Being faithful is our goal,
but often we are weak and helpless. When
we fail, we should not be quick to judge or shun those who do but work
toward
restoration and forgiveness knowing full well that some relationships
are to
damaged or just plain wrong to be repaired.
When things go
wrong,
there can be forgiveness, healing, second chances for some, and new
beginnings
for others.
Story of good friends in community.
“Marriage
gives meaning to
desire, give it a purpose, a history, a home.”